I write when....

i write when my head is about to crush into a black hole i write when my heart is breaking into a million fuck yous, i write when i'm alone in amongst strangers i feel more connected to than my own mother, i write when i'm confused about how i'm breathing about how sometimes i don't want to be, i write when i'm in love with photographs, representations, copy-cats, plaster, sticky-tape, temporary fix-its, i write when i'm in desperate need for a vice i write when i cannot fathom the way every little fibre i do not understand works when i turn on a light, i write when i scald and scold myself with dirty hot words to try to make myself better, i write when i can because i am not allowed to, i write messily with my fingers all small and bunched up on the pen so no one can read it ,i write in circles and in vague shrouds so maybe some people won't find out what i really mean, i write when i'm ecstatic from too much sun and cloud and rain and moon and little smiling faces ,i write when i'm in love, when i'm in un-love, when i am love, when i'm not love when i'm sure i know what love means, when i finally realise love doesn't exist, when i'm loving i write when i'm merciless, i write when i'm rancid, when every last word of mine is rotting

i hardly feel this way anymore so i hardly write ......